Friends, Family, Fans, Strangers:
My band, Fwuit, is about to release our first EP! This is decidedly thrilling.
Since you're here because you have a vested interest in my music, I wanted to let you in on one of the details of a song that I wrote for this album.
I am on the precipice of releasing my first Explicit track! This may not seem like a very big deal, and I am grateful to those who see it that way. It definitely feels like a big deal to me, because for so long, I've believed that I truly "shouldn't" use that word, especially in a song. I know my parents will hate it. I suppose this is an apology to them, and a defense of my choice as an artist to incorporate this powerful word into one of my songs.
I was raised to be a "lady". Always be polite and respect your elders, never ruffle too many feathers, especially as a "public" figure. Well, this works to a degree. As I entered my 30's, I started to realize that though I was raised with these ethics and ideals in mind, I had defaulted to making myself uncomfortable in order to ensure the comfort of others. I had lost confidence. I was quieter with my opinions in interpersonal relationships. I made myself smaller to appease the loudest one in the room. (Believe it or not, there was a time when I was the loudest one in the room!) Somewhere along the way, I learned about misogyny and internalized misogyny and the roles they had played in creating the woman I had become. I realized that I wanted no part of it. When I listen to powerful artists of our time, I notice that they are not holding back for anyone's comfort. A new wave of powerhouses like Billie Eilish are changing the narrative of what it means to be a woman in entertainment. I've heard the saying, "well-behaved women rarely make history", and I believe it! Sometimes, one needs to use a strong word to express a strong feeling.
Here is where it gets personal. About a year ago, when this song was written, my heart was broken. I learned that a close friend had been experiencing serious addictions which led them down a path of destruction. Unfortunately, I was on that path, and I was also destroyed. I faced the utter sadness of the control this addiction had over my friend and the result of its power over him. Learning of his addiction and the many deceptions as a result was truly shattering. I was forced to examine my personal choices and the responsibility I had in the way the situation played out. I faced some hard truths about myself, my choices, the denial I was able to provide myself in order to continue this dysfunctional relationship at the cost of my own well-being.
I wrote a song. My heartache is audible. I used a harsh word to express a passionate feeling. As an independent artist, it is my right to do so. As long as it is marked with an E where it is released, it is up to the listener to decide if they can handle it. I tried to think of an alternative word. I sang many throughout the growth period of this song, but they all felt trite compared to the big one. My pain was really big, and I needed a really big word to express it.
As a newly-40-year-old woman, I realize that my relevance in the mainstream is limited. Society has taught me to believe that what I have to say doesn't really matter. I am unmarried and childless. Society tells me that renders me an unsuccessful spinster. Though I don't believe I am these things, they don't go un-thought. I am a breathing human with emotions. The only true thing I know in this life is that I must process these emotions in a way that makes me feel better about my time here and what I leave behind. I will cherish my right to express those emotions in the ways I need until the day I die. It is my freedom, my therapy, a snapshot of a time in my life that is worth noting, even if I'm the only one who hears it.
It is my wish that you hear the song and not the word, so that you may have a better understanding of me, personally, and hopefully, a message to speak to your big pain, should you encounter it. Maybe you'll sing it loudly when you're alone in your car, F Bomb and all, and maybe that will make you feel less alone.
All that said, I also had a radio edit mastered, so that anyone who is offended by this harsh word may have a censored version of the song. It's your choice! I'm looking forward to sharing it with you, either way.